We all know that life is full of tough decisions. I think that I make some of them harder on myself than I need to. This week, just one month out of work, I have been trying to decide what to do with myself. On Monday I received a job offer from a company in the Direct Mail industry. They do not put the mail together, but act as an agency to get all the pieces to the right people so they can do it.

I would have been in charge of budgets, vendors, data, production, and myriad other things. The potential for growth, especially as a project manager, or manager in general, seemed very large. They were also offering me a salary that was quite a bit larger than my previous position.

I turned the job down. Mia was part of the decision, but ultimately she felt that this time I needed to be the one to make the final choice so that I could stick to it without feeling resentful.

Instead I am going to be taking a 4-6 week contract to update the content on one of the small, local college Web sites. It is going to require interviewing and writing, as well as some of my Web skills. I am excited about to do it. I am excited to start writing again. To have something to show for the work that I do.

On the other hand, it puts more pressure on us, because once this contract is finished, I have to find another one. This is what I want to do, try things out, work for a couple of months and then move on. However, standing at the beginning of the path it is very scary.

I have learned this week about how prayers are answered. I have learned that free agency is not just a phrase that we use to justify our wrong choices. My assumption was that as I prayed the Lord would make my choice, that he would tell me what to do. However, the first feeling that I got was that whichever choice I made, our family would be OK. He would support us. The more I prayed, asking to know which choice was right, the more I felt impressed to study both jobs. I looked at the pros and cons, I thought about the long- and short-term consequences, I thought about what would make us both happy.
In the end, it was the feeling that we would both be happier as a couple that led me to my choice. I felt that while it would have been a good job, I would have learned so much, the full-time offer would also have consumed my time and energy. Knowing the industry, even after work I would be thinking about my job. It would likely have gotten me up early in the morning to arrive early to get a jump start. And while I had planned, and discussed at my interview, to leave at 5:00PM, I surely would have stayed later some nights. I didn't feel right walking back into the same fights we had had over my previous job.
So, I am looking out, feeling scared, feeling excited, feeling that this is my time to accomplish something, prove that I have the abilities to take my life in the direction that I want. And I am humbled and grateful to feel that I have my wife and my Lord supporting me.

1 Verily I say unto you my friends, fear not, let your hearts be comforted; yea, rejoice evermore, and in everything give thanks;

2 Waiting patiently on the Lord, for your prayers have entered into the ears of the Lord of Sabaoth, and are recorded with this seal and testament—the Lord hath sworn and decreed that they shall be granted.

3 Therefore, he giveth this promise unto you, with an immutable covenant that they shall be fulfilled; and all things wherewith you have been afflicted shall work together for your good, and to my name’s glory, saith the Lord.

D&C 98:1-3

This scripture feels particularly pertinent to our situation right now. I think that it is amazing the dichotomy the Lord sets up to try our faith. On the one hand he gives us afflictions, but on the other we have the constant assurance that he is watching out for us. We have been able to keep our faith during this time, and we are sure it will be strengthened on the other side of this journey.

I had an experience yesterday that is a microcosm of the ups and downs we have been through. On Monday morning we were excited because I had two job interviews set up. One was for a full-time job, in the Direct Mail industry, that we felt would just be a good chance to practice interviewing. We weren't too serious about it. The company, LW Robbins Associates, is located about 40 miles West of us, but very close to the major highways, so the trip took about 40 minutes. My interview went very well. Two managers were in with me, and they were impressed with my knowledge of the industry and my previous work experience. They were honest about the fact that they put in plenty of hours, but they are flexible and allow them to be done on my schedule. This was promising because I do not want another job that keeps me away from my family. I left feeling good, with the expectation that they would call me in a day or two if they wanted to make me an offer.

I left and headed straight into Boston for my second interview. Now, I don't know how many of you have driven in Boston, but I do know that many of you have driven in foreign countries. With all the construction that is going on right now, Boston is like driving in a foreign country. You don't know where the roads are taking you, you can't tell which road you are on most of the time, and when you find the road you need it is one-way -- the wrong way. Plus the drivers are insane.
I was exiting the Mass Pike (I-90) to get onto I-93 (another highway). This is a three-part exit all on a curve. You take the sharpest curve to head North (which I wasn't), the middle curve to head South (which I was) and the longest curve to get into the city. So, as I am trying to make sure I get into the right lane, all the while slowing down because the construction makes this interchange very slow, a car flys up on my left, cuts me off, and slams on his brakes because he was going so fast.
Now, let me paint you another picture. I have a 1993 dark blue Ford Escort Station wagon that we bought for under $1000 almost 2 years ago. The car is a trooper. It has run well for the last 2 years but I know it needs some work in places, for instance the brakes don't stop on a dime. We are just trying to hang onto it until we are in a position to buy a new car for Mia, then I will get the Altima as a hand-me-down.
So, there I am, in my long, large car with another driver slamming on his brakes. I slam on my brakes. I don't know how long this whole thing took, but I could tell while braking that I wasn't going to have enough room to stop. As I am thinking this, I hear a little 'POP' and feel the tension on my brake pedal release. At that moment, I knew for sure that I wasn't going to have time to stop. So, I look over my shoulder as I am turning my wheel to get into the left lane. Fortunately, I got over in time and there was enough of a gap that I was able to use the little brake function I had left to stop.

So, here I am, in the middle of the city, still on a highway, with just the slightest braking power left. And I still had to get to my interview, which I didn't know exactly where it was. The picture of me driving right through the heart of downtown Boston (literally) getting just a little lost, and then finding a parking garage and deciding to walk to my interview, would best not be pictured by anyone who feels I should not have tried anymore driving.
But I did. I made it into the garage, and went to my interview. This was at a Staffing company, Professional Staffing Group, and they were a busy one. I have applied with some other staffing agencies, their offices were small, they took time to meet with me and discuss what I was interested in doing, and haven't found anything for me since. This one felt like a mill. There were about 10 other people in the lobby area, which was very close to the open call center with about 20 employees talking to people on the phone, asking them questions, setting up appointments for them. I filled out a book full of forms and was finally ushered to the wall behind the call center which was lined with small stalls, each with a frosted, opaque sliding door and one small round table. I was given a booklet on the staffing company and waited. The recruiter I met with was energetic. She took notes while we spoke and let me describe most of what I as looking for. Then she said that there was a month-long position she thought I would be good for. She said that she would email me the details and I could call her if it sounded like a job I wanted to pursue.

So, I left feeling that things were going pretty well on the job front. I had done some interviews; I was still pursuing some freelance work on my own, and now had the potential for some real work. When I got back to my car, there was a message from Mia. The first company I had interviewed with had called to give me a job offer. I called her back, didn't tell her about the brakes and asked what they said. She told me that the message was just a name and number.

Well, and if you all think me foolish you can join with my wife in telling me so, I climbed back into my car and drove out of Boston, slowly, and made it home safely. I called the LW Robbins back, expecting to say "Thank you but no thank you." Well, I get on the phone and the woman from HR says, the managers liked you, they want to offer you this much -- it was a large jump up from my last job -- at which point I mouthed it to Mia, and then told the woman I needed to talk with my wife about it.

We went back and forth. Was it worth taking the job because the money was good? Was it worth risking the long nights? Mia said to call back and ask if the flexibility they talked about meant that I could leave at 5:00PM and go in early the next morning to finish up. We decided that it didn't hurt to ask, so I called back, left a message and asked. We received a return call a little later; saying that she had asked the managers and that would be fine. As long as I got my work done, they don't really want me staying late. I asked for a few days to think about it.

The next day, I took my car to the shop. We weren't sure what was going to happen, but we knew that we needed to get it fixed, because however much it cost, it was still cheaper than starting car payments again. The estimate came back at $1,100 because I had to replace, drums, rotors, brake pads, and tire rods for my front tires. We put in on our new United card and decided not to worry about it right now.

So, here we are, still stuck on deciding what to do. I want to try my hand at some of the more creative aspects of marketing, doing more writing, doing some editing, doing some layout, or any of the various other possibilities. On the other hand, I want to show some consistency, build some experience working with vendors and budgets, get into a job that would help further a career managing work.

I feel like I am at a crossroads. Which direction do I decide to take my career? Do I go for the management side or the tactical side? Do I go back into an office from 9-5 (or 7-5 or 9-6 or whatever the hours are) because it is stable, or can I viably work from home while supporting my family. It is not an easy decision to make. I have been trying diligently this week to pray, seek the Spirit, and be aware of the path that the Lord wants me to take. While I haven't found my answer yet, I have felt reassured that whatever course our life takes, He is watching us. He is mindful of what we are doing and will support our family.

Well, I finally have my Web site fixed. Or at least partially fixed. It has been a couple of weeks since I lost my employment. And I have been finding ways to keep myself busy, like doing the housework. I am amazed at how quickly it adds up. I can't finish cleaning one room without another needing attention. I just go around in circles through the whole house trying to keep up with it. But, now I have some time to devote to my site (mainly at the insistence of Mia, I am glad she is here to get me motivated).

So, I was updating the pregnancy pictures of her. And I got them all to work in my Flash movie, but I forgot to make them the right size. So when I first tested them, all I was getting were the corners. Whoops. There is so much that goes into making a good Web site. I forget about so many of them. Guess that is why I am still learning.

But, the important thing is that my pictures are updated again. You can see Mia's belly progression or (finally) look at our Ultrasound pictures. I hope you enjoy them both.

This is a guilty admission. Let me preface by saying that I have continued to search for jobs, continued to struggle with figuring out how to change my Web host (or actually just access the FTP site), and kept the house clean and my wife comfortable.

Now then, I hope that makes you feel better about how I spend my time. But when I have an extra hour or two in the evening (or sometimes three or four if Mia is at work and I am waiting up for her, which I usually get too tired to do) I have been playing Neverwinter Nights online. Neverwinter Nights is a computer role-playing game, and getting tapped into a community is at least one healthy aspect of it.

I am playing in what we call a Persistent World, meaning I can log in whenever and meet people to roleplay with. It has been pretty exciting, though I use it mainly to relieve stress after cramming a lot of work into a day.
Sometimes I feel that I try to have too many hobbies, or rather that my one main hobby, this Web site, leads me into too many grand ideas. I like the sense of accomplishment when I figure something out like getting my pictures posted, but on occasion, I need to do something more brainless than working but less brainless than TV. This fits the bill nicely.

At the end of my first week as a free (unemployed) man, I have decided to do some freelance work. It is something that I have been considering for a while, but haven't had a chance to dig into because I was working such long hours.

I have already connected with an agency that helps people find freelance work, I am hoping they will be able to get me going on some small, short-term projects. That is what I would like while I figure out where to go with my life.

This would also provide some flexibility to be home once the baby is born. That is going to be the hardest thing, I don't want to start a job just after the baby is born because I won't know what their expectations on my work schedule will be. Getting another job that demands long hours and willingness to put off family life is not for me.

You would think that after going through it once, I would be more aware of the warning signs.
On the other hand, I wasn't expecting lay-offs at this time, so I was very unprepared when I was called in at 4:00PM on a Monday afternoon to lose my job. Not the easiest thing to hear when you are going to be having a baby so soon.

As happened last time (maybe this should be my warning) we had been saving some money and paying off some credit cards and, after we figured it out, realized that we will be fine through the end of the year at least.
This doesn't mean that I am not going to try getting a new job. But it does mean that I am going to really look for something that I want to do. I have grown weary of jumping for the first company that makes an offer. It generally isn't the best way to find a job you can be happy at for a couple of years.

Home again. And back to the grind.

But, before I get into the rut of complaining about work, I want to talk about the wedding. It was great. I hadn't met Zack until we went out to Utah, and even then it wasn't really until the day before the wedding that I really spoke with him. However, it was very easy to approve and know that he would love my sister and treat her well.
This is very reassurring for those of you that know Monica. Especially if you have known some of the guys she dated growing up. But, as a mature she seems to have figured out what will make her happy. We are very glad for her.

And there is no chance of her having a child before us either. The oldest son having the first grandchild, that is the way it should be (for our family, I won't impose this on everyone). But, if she wanted to have a kid, I wouldn't mind knowing what it feels like to be an uncle (sorry Mickeal and Kami, you don't really count).

We made it to Utah! Finally. It was a rather long trip, going from Boston to L.A. by plane and then driving back up to Salt Lake. Fortunately, we had some book tapes to keep us company and from Vegas on, A.J.

It wasn't so bad really. We were trying to time the trip so that we would get to Salt Lake in time for the bridal/baby shower that was planned for Monica and Mia respectively. The family was throwing a combined one and we didn't want to be late. But, for some reason we could not make the headway that we thought we should. Everytime we checked the clock and compared that with the miles left to our destination, the math didn't seem to add up.
So we finally pulled in about 6:00PM which is when the party was supposed to start, and then got over to it about 7:00PM. Which actually turned out to be just fine, things were still getting set-up and they were able to start shortly after we arrived.

I want to thank everyone who attended, helped, and gave gifts during the shower. We had more baby clothes, toys and accessories than we knew what to do with. You all have made the transistion to having a child seem much less intimidating. Yes, the expected shopping was intimidating and I am glad that I don't have to do it!

The wedding is tomorrow, so I had better sign off.

We are heading to Utah for my sister's wedding. I don't know how much I will be able to write, so in case I don't update until we get back, here is a quick one.

Things are going well for us. The pregnancy is coming along nicely. You can start to see the little basketball forming, it is so cute. Also, little Jane is so squirmy. She is constantly kicking, punching, and streching out. I know that it makes her mother uncomfortable, but I think it is funny when you can feel her head and butt on opposite sides of the stomach. Though I usually try to massage her into a different position when I see it.

Site update alert!

There have been questions about where the pictures of the ultrasound are. They are coming. I promise. I am working furiously on getting them formatted correctly and don't really know why I am having so much trouble. I will let everyone know when they are ready.

But, I do have other updates that I have made to my site. I did some reading when I went out to Utah and finally have additions to the reading section of my site.
During our trip I read some short stories by Philip K. Dick including Minority Report. For you other geeks out there, he also wrote Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep which was the basis for the movie Bladerunner.
More on what I think about these works and his writing style is available in that section.

I have also been reading Panda eats, shoots and leaves. It is an interesting mix of pedantic sensibility and individualistic reality. The line that sums this up nicely is:

What I hope will become clear from this book is that one can usefully combine a descriptive and prescriptive approach to what is happening to this single aspect of the language.

As something of a descriptivist myself, I find the book interesting. But for your true perscriptivists, beware. This book doesn't live up to the promise of being grammatically correct. While I missed some of the clause errors, I did notice that the introduction uses em-dashes appropriately while the main text of the book is littered with en-dashes with spaces around them. The spaces I can forgive but seeing so many en-dashes was somewhat painful.